Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
