She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
