my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
