he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
