i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
