If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
