cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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