So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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