i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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