I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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