he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
