mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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