apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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