my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
