i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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