I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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