How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
