I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Randomize
