his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
