watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
