drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
