Betty ford says i'm here all night
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
