when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
