I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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