Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
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