I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
