Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
