I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
