I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
We're too hungover to prance.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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