My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
