oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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