my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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