I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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