Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
