my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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