My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Two words: nipple clamps
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