is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
