I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
