it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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