The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
