i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I did not marry a roomba.
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