they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
