we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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