I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
