I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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