I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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