that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You took a bar mat shot.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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