Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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