Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
If its not for food we ain't going out.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
