Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
