Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
