awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
