Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
