this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Randomize
