you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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