So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Can you bring me the toilet please
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
