do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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