I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
