Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
