Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
