That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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