I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
