The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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