i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Randomize
