i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
