I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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